Cold callers

Don’t we all love those telephone calls that come right in the middle of something we are deeply engaged in, be it painting, modelling, reading or simply watching TV?

No, we don’t.

I have devised a quick question list for those annoying people, based on their own methods.

What is your reference number?

 I see.  Before we proceed I have to ask you a few security questions:

          Your full name

          The first line of your address

          Your postcode

          Your date of birth

          Your mother’s maiden name

 Thank you.  How may I help with your enquiry?

In practice, I rarely get beyond line 2.  Most hang up on line 1.

I have other methods.  If it sounds entertaining I will keep them on the line for no tangible result.  My best ever was someone offering me a better mobile telephone package than the one I had: handset provided by my employer and calls (within reason) paid for by my employer.  He elaborated on the potential savings, etc., etc.  Naturally I did not reveal my actual package for about 15 minutes.  Then I was called “a naughty man who has wasted my time.”  I replied that he had called me to waste my time and I thought we should compete on equal terms…. [click, silence].

My shorter response is: “If I did not call you, then clearly I do not need your services.  Goodbye.”